Tanner never lies
Feb. 1st, 2007 | 12:52 am
mood: 
aggravated
music: Full House.
Ive been so irritated at everything lately. Ive been horrible to my boyfriend and I feel really bad about it, I would never be able to tell him how bad I feel, but I do feel like shit. Im just tired of being in this small apartment, im tired of being tired, im ready to move, I feel stifled and stagnated, bored and blah. Im taking it out on him when I shouldnt be. He really has done a lot for me lately and ive done nothing for him. I just feel like I spent two years bending over backwards for him and I feel I deserve something in return, now hes giving me everything in return and I am treating him like crap.
Its so obvious how bad he feels about it..and I do love him, I love him more than anything. Somewhere along the line I went from being an extremely emotionally expressive person, to being a person who is completely shut down and not emotional at all. I dont know how it happened..but it did..
Anyway, I might not be writing too much..im starting to pack tomorrow..woohoo!
Its so obvious how bad he feels about it..and I do love him, I love him more than anything. Somewhere along the line I went from being an extremely emotionally expressive person, to being a person who is completely shut down and not emotional at all. I dont know how it happened..but it did..
Anyway, I might not be writing too much..im starting to pack tomorrow..woohoo!
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Military death ray
Jan. 25th, 2007 | 10:56 am
mood: 
bouncy
I just saw on CNN that the military has a new ray gun. Its non lethal. damn. Ive totally go nothing to write about right now..but im bored...
I woke up around 9AM this morning, went to bed pretty early. I like going to bed early but not at like..8PM, which is what ive been doing. At least im getting my work done better. Im so tempted to go back to sleep though,,,but I can guarentee the minute I fall asleep..my boyfriend will be up bitching that im asleep EVEN THOUGH I bought him cigarettes, and a sub sandwhich this morning.
Im so excited about moving..the days dont go fast enough.
No one wants to hear about my design ideas, everytime i talk to someone about it, they ignore me! Can you imagine? So..ill start writing about them here.
I asked booger about design ideas for my bathroom. The bathroom is kinda..blah. I mean its super boring. Its almost EXACTLY like mine now (in design), except bigger and theres a closet..oooo..closet...anyway...the tile is beige, the floor is beige, everything is beige, booger said that she thinks red will go good, red or maroon. I also think red or maroon will do good. Right now my bathroom is done in black, black towels, black shower curtain, etc..so..
Im going to keep the black, but add the red. So it will be red, black and creme. My shower curtain is black, im going to get rid of the liner I have now and get a sheer red/maroon liner to go over the black curtain, im going to add a few red towels, couple of red washrags, and a red rug. Thats my plans for the bathroom..im going over to the house tonight to take pics of the ultra drab bathroom and kitchen.
Now, for the kitchen..which is also pretty blah...
The kitchen is the part of the house thats gonna take the most work...by work I mean the cabinets need to be cleaned, the tile needs to be wiped, it needs a new fridge, new stove and all that. The realtor said that theyd supply new appliaces when I moved in so..thats cool. The counter tops are like..gray..so ugly...so..im going to resurface it with contact paper. (preferably something like this http://housewares.hardwarestore.com/37-1
the end im going to nap
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Tune in, drop out
Jan. 24th, 2007 | 04:40 am
mood: 
awake
I made the decision today to become a pescatarian. That is, abstaining from all meat other than fish. Ive been reading a lot about the macrobiotic diet and I think im gonna take somethings from that diet. I just think that diet is everything...and lately ive been eating A LOT of meat..red meat, hamburgers, etc (McDonalds) and its making me stink (more than I normally do, of course). I guess its like, when the nasty meat comes seeping through my pores it reeks because its filled with impurities from cooked animal flesh. UGH.
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IGOTITIGOTIT
Jan. 22nd, 2007 | 06:07 pm
mood: 
cheerful
So, I got the place I so desperately wanted!!! My boyfriend and I went over there today and I snapped some pictures.
check out that hallway...
Shaweet living room.
another one of the shaweet living room.
check out that hallway...
Shaweet living room.
another one of the shaweet living room.
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Garg!!!!! aka Ive got a sword for you, I know you want one.
Jan. 21st, 2007 | 08:17 am
mood: chipper
I paid for a damn paid account thinking I could do a whole bunch of cool shit to my journal and LOW AND BEHOLD I did it for nothing.
"Oh, but you can fully customize your journal now!!!"
No, I cant. Because im an idiot.
I had band practice last night and it went ok. My boyfriends a doofus and cant write lyrics that fit songs right so it ends up making me look bad. Oh well, ive never given a shit about looking bad before..so...booyakasha! Im really in the mood for a filet o fish, and sure, that sounds nasty..but its really good. Im on a fish kick, even if its the nastiest greasiest fish, I still find an excuse to say.."hey man, its healthy!"
OH OH OH!! I cant believe I almost forgot...(spare me, its 8:20AM).
Ok, for anyone who knows me and talks to me on a normal basis..ive been looking for a place to move. I moved out of my moms house in June, I think..and it was so cool. I moved into a one bedroom apartment, one bathroom, pretty small..but I bought my own couch, my own coffee table, rugs, kitchen table..EVERYTHING and I was so seriously excited..but after a while, the one bedroom, small ass bathroom IN the bedroom got old. We dont have a hallway, theres just no space for two people here and thats fine because this was just a temporary living arrangement anyway..
So, ive decided to start looking for a duplex or something. I cant afford much, but I definitely want two bedrooms so my boyfriend can move some shit out of his moms house because shes a raging BITCH, but thats for another day...
ANYWAYZ..My beautiful mother spotted a couple duplexes in her neighborhood, really close to her and my boyfriends mom (they live on the same street), so toda..er..yesterday we went to check them out. The first one we looked at was seriously shitty. Ive never seen anything more shitty...but then...my mom spotted this really nice looking white brick duplex with a basement, so she called the realty company and it just so happened that the realtor was going to be having an open house at four brick duplexes in that area that day. So we waited around on him and toured like 4 places..to make a long story somewhat shorter, one of the duplexes was AWSOME.
900sq feet. HARDWOOD FLOORS!!!! Two bedrooms, one bath..and ALL FOR 600 A MONTH!! Im thinking there has to be a catch..but the actual PROPERTY isnt that great..there is hardly a yard, which I dont give the first shit about, and of the little yard thats there, theres like, no grass. But the spot is perfect, its on the corner, trees around it, its built very low so its sits pretty low and there are no street lights..its so FUCKING AWSOME. I hope so bad that I get this place because id only be paying like...75 dollars more for a MUCH MUCH bigger and MUCH MUCH better place. I wouldnt have to buy any appliances, they are provided, the kitchen is HUGE, its an eat in kitchen...me and my boyfriend went and walked around it tonight after band practice and he loved it!! Oh my God if I got that place, my life would be so much better. Ugh. Im so excited about it I cant even SLEEP!!!! (Hence, why im up so early). Im just totally psyched and I feel like my life would really be on a positive track if I got this place. My boyfriend would have his own studio so he could make his music..maybe its all a pipe dream..but to be honest..ive never been so excited in my life. Oh Yeah..word to booger...hes even said that HE WOULD LEAVE SO YOU COULD COME OVER AND HANG OUT WITH ME AT THE NEW PLACE!!!! MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH HERE!! I know, it could possibly be a pipe dream. I could be getting my hopes up for nothing. ::breathe:: Ill just say that I would be so elated to get this place, its the most excited ive been my whole life.
Enough of that.
Speaking of my cousin..I was thinking today..that I cant wait for the Rennasaince faire. Kristen needs to come too..you guys can bring the bud since im sure my stingy ass boyfriend wont break me off any of his to carry anywhere..we can get blitzed..and have a fcking ball.
Alright im running out of shit to type about..
Kick, punch, its all in the mind...
Lester.
"Oh, but you can fully customize your journal now!!!"
No, I cant. Because im an idiot.
I had band practice last night and it went ok. My boyfriends a doofus and cant write lyrics that fit songs right so it ends up making me look bad. Oh well, ive never given a shit about looking bad before..so...booyakasha! Im really in the mood for a filet o fish, and sure, that sounds nasty..but its really good. Im on a fish kick, even if its the nastiest greasiest fish, I still find an excuse to say.."hey man, its healthy!"
OH OH OH!! I cant believe I almost forgot...(spare me, its 8:20AM).
Ok, for anyone who knows me and talks to me on a normal basis..ive been looking for a place to move. I moved out of my moms house in June, I think..and it was so cool. I moved into a one bedroom apartment, one bathroom, pretty small..but I bought my own couch, my own coffee table, rugs, kitchen table..EVERYTHING and I was so seriously excited..but after a while, the one bedroom, small ass bathroom IN the bedroom got old. We dont have a hallway, theres just no space for two people here and thats fine because this was just a temporary living arrangement anyway..
So, ive decided to start looking for a duplex or something. I cant afford much, but I definitely want two bedrooms so my boyfriend can move some shit out of his moms house because shes a raging BITCH, but thats for another day...
ANYWAYZ..My beautiful mother spotted a couple duplexes in her neighborhood, really close to her and my boyfriends mom (they live on the same street), so toda..er..yesterday we went to check them out. The first one we looked at was seriously shitty. Ive never seen anything more shitty...but then...my mom spotted this really nice looking white brick duplex with a basement, so she called the realty company and it just so happened that the realtor was going to be having an open house at four brick duplexes in that area that day. So we waited around on him and toured like 4 places..to make a long story somewhat shorter, one of the duplexes was AWSOME.
900sq feet. HARDWOOD FLOORS!!!! Two bedrooms, one bath..and ALL FOR 600 A MONTH!! Im thinking there has to be a catch..but the actual PROPERTY isnt that great..there is hardly a yard, which I dont give the first shit about, and of the little yard thats there, theres like, no grass. But the spot is perfect, its on the corner, trees around it, its built very low so its sits pretty low and there are no street lights..its so FUCKING AWSOME. I hope so bad that I get this place because id only be paying like...75 dollars more for a MUCH MUCH bigger and MUCH MUCH better place. I wouldnt have to buy any appliances, they are provided, the kitchen is HUGE, its an eat in kitchen...me and my boyfriend went and walked around it tonight after band practice and he loved it!! Oh my God if I got that place, my life would be so much better. Ugh. Im so excited about it I cant even SLEEP!!!! (Hence, why im up so early). Im just totally psyched and I feel like my life would really be on a positive track if I got this place. My boyfriend would have his own studio so he could make his music..maybe its all a pipe dream..but to be honest..ive never been so excited in my life. Oh Yeah..word to booger...hes even said that HE WOULD LEAVE SO YOU COULD COME OVER AND HANG OUT WITH ME AT THE NEW PLACE!!!! MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH HERE!! I know, it could possibly be a pipe dream. I could be getting my hopes up for nothing. ::breathe:: Ill just say that I would be so elated to get this place, its the most excited ive been my whole life.
Enough of that.
Speaking of my cousin..I was thinking today..that I cant wait for the Rennasaince faire. Kristen needs to come too..you guys can bring the bud since im sure my stingy ass boyfriend wont break me off any of his to carry anywhere..we can get blitzed..and have a fcking ball.
Alright im running out of shit to type about..
Kick, punch, its all in the mind...
Lester.
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Just thinking
Jan. 17th, 2007 | 07:26 am
mood: 
contemplative
So...
I read every one of my previous journal entries. Ive had this thing for a year..almost exactly one year. Reading back, I revisited the depth of depression that I felt at the beginning through the middle of last year. Thinking about it, I cant fathom living life as sad as I was. I know that I was horribly depressed. So much so that I questioned my existance, I questioned my life and my true position in this world. But, why was I so unhappy? I cant even remember, but it made a damn good writer out of me!
Everything in my life was bad then. I was living with my mother, whom despite me loving dearly, I felt I was a burden on her.
I didnt have a good job, I had the same job I have now but I made A LOT less money.
My relationship was shit. I felt like I wasnt in love with him. I just didnt know what to do with my life. Thinking back on it, not THAT much was wrong, but my mental state was so ravaged and raw. I spent so much time just wanting <b>out</b>.
Do you know what its like to want out?
Its like being in the lions den. Just a matter of time before you are ripped limb from limb and chewed until youre just a mass of big nothing. A huge mass of nothing. Thats how I felt. I felt like I was a huge mass of nothing. If you can imagine how that feels, then you should know true mental anguish.
Maybe there were a lot of unclosed doors in my life. Maybe I was still hurting over my dad. But, I am still hurting over my dad. I will always hurt over him, I think.
Now, I live on my own. I am still with my boyfriend and things have changed between us...theyve changed SO FUCKING MUCH. I believe that the pain I felt wasnt nessacerily pain that he inflicted upon me, but pain that he reeked of, pain that seeped from every pore of his being and I was there to lap it all up, in my constant trying to make him happy when he couldnt be made happy, it made me completely and totally miserable.
Now things have changed so much its crazy. I have slowly taken control of this relationship and we are attached at the hip. I couldnt possibly love someone more than I love him, and I couldnt be any more sure that he loves me. I have went from resenting his presence, to reveling in it and not ever wanting to be around anyone but him..even though he gets on my nerves a little..heh. :)
Life for me has gotten to a point of, at least, stability. Mental stability. I wont say complete happiness...I dont know if complete happiness is even possible...
All I ever asked for was to be content. That, I am.
Thank you, God.
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Save your crops.
Jan. 17th, 2007 | 05:23 am
mood: 
crazy
Man, Ive got a bad case of insomnia, yet again. Its about 5:30, give or take a few minutes.
My boyfriend is sleeping and here I am...on the computer...not tired at all, and in fact, kinda hungry. I slept for about an hour and then I just couldnt sleep anymore. The pain in my hip and back is getting worse day by day.
The other night my boyfriend and I walked down to this train wreck site...it was called "the big wreck of 1918." Well, we walked from our house...its about 2 miles and it almost KILLED me. My hip was hurting SO BAD by the time I got back I couldnt even stand up anymore...I just wonder what it is. Ive had x-rays taken and its not a sciatica nerve problem...at least it wasnt when I got the x-rays taken...but the pain is radiating up my back. I use that term "radiating" because it seriously does..radiate..up my back.
Ah! I am too young to be having these pains. Man, I dont even know why im writing. I have nothing to write about..nothing interesting has happened to me the last couple days. Ive just been doing the usual..working, hustling to get by like everyone else in this world. I got a new hotel so that pretty much means I got a raise..80 more bucks a month..im so FUCKING happy because me and booboo are moving hopefully in febuary or march...the extra money is gonna be needed.
Blah blah blah...I dont have the attention span to finish this right now.
Ok. So, I am back. Its like..6:18 and instead of wasting space writing a whole new entry..I decided to just continue this one. My moms bringing me some breakfast...thank goodness. I bet booboo will wake up when I walk out the door though...UGHHHH. I love him but he smothers me sometimes..always up under me and shit. Oh well. At least I have someone up under me. So, im gonna try to stay up all day. Probably not the BEST idea since I have band practice at 6:30 and ill be really tired..but...I might take a nap before then. Ive got a ton of shit to do today..whew. Hopefully booboo will wake up around 12 so we can go get our shit and get HIGHHHHHH. I wanted so bad to get high tonight but we couldnt find anything...so I texted my cuzzys ex to see if he could find some..THEN MY FUCKING PHONE DIED. It finally charged up this morning at like 4AM and he had texted me back saying yeah he knew what was up...GOD DAMNIT. Oh well, it was probably for the better that I didnt waste that money last night since we were short on funds last night...
But, around 1AM this coke head called my boyfriend and wanted some blizow so we made a little money doing that for him. We try to tell Bob (mentioned in previous entry) to NOT DO THE DRUGS HE SELLS, that way he makes money off of it..and drug money is drug money..the money you make selling drugs, is STRICTLY the only money you SPEND buying drugs, whether its weed or whatever your drug of choice is, that way if you have a drug habit, the money you make legitimately isnt blown on drugs, you know? Oh well whatever..
My McDonalds is here..my cat wont stop licking my hands...ugh...
My boyfriend is sleeping and here I am...on the computer...not tired at all, and in fact, kinda hungry. I slept for about an hour and then I just couldnt sleep anymore. The pain in my hip and back is getting worse day by day.
The other night my boyfriend and I walked down to this train wreck site...it was called "the big wreck of 1918." Well, we walked from our house...its about 2 miles and it almost KILLED me. My hip was hurting SO BAD by the time I got back I couldnt even stand up anymore...I just wonder what it is. Ive had x-rays taken and its not a sciatica nerve problem...at least it wasnt when I got the x-rays taken...but the pain is radiating up my back. I use that term "radiating" because it seriously does..radiate..up my back.
Ah! I am too young to be having these pains. Man, I dont even know why im writing. I have nothing to write about..nothing interesting has happened to me the last couple days. Ive just been doing the usual..working, hustling to get by like everyone else in this world. I got a new hotel so that pretty much means I got a raise..80 more bucks a month..im so FUCKING happy because me and booboo are moving hopefully in febuary or march...the extra money is gonna be needed.
Blah blah blah...I dont have the attention span to finish this right now.
Ok. So, I am back. Its like..6:18 and instead of wasting space writing a whole new entry..I decided to just continue this one. My moms bringing me some breakfast...thank goodness. I bet booboo will wake up when I walk out the door though...UGHHHH. I love him but he smothers me sometimes..always up under me and shit. Oh well. At least I have someone up under me. So, im gonna try to stay up all day. Probably not the BEST idea since I have band practice at 6:30 and ill be really tired..but...I might take a nap before then. Ive got a ton of shit to do today..whew. Hopefully booboo will wake up around 12 so we can go get our shit and get HIGHHHHHH. I wanted so bad to get high tonight but we couldnt find anything...so I texted my cuzzys ex to see if he could find some..THEN MY FUCKING PHONE DIED. It finally charged up this morning at like 4AM and he had texted me back saying yeah he knew what was up...GOD DAMNIT. Oh well, it was probably for the better that I didnt waste that money last night since we were short on funds last night...
But, around 1AM this coke head called my boyfriend and wanted some blizow so we made a little money doing that for him. We try to tell Bob (mentioned in previous entry) to NOT DO THE DRUGS HE SELLS, that way he makes money off of it..and drug money is drug money..the money you make selling drugs, is STRICTLY the only money you SPEND buying drugs, whether its weed or whatever your drug of choice is, that way if you have a drug habit, the money you make legitimately isnt blown on drugs, you know? Oh well whatever..
My McDonalds is here..my cat wont stop licking my hands...ugh...
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There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I dont know how.
Jan. 12th, 2007 | 11:08 pm
Maybe, youre gonna be the one that saves me. And afterall, youre my wonderwall.
I was just thinking. I have a friend (funny at first I made the type "fiend" and that would fit too!) that ive known for like..8 years or so. Seven or eight years. He already has one child that he doesnt see. That he doesnt have anything to do with. He is in a relationship (dysfunctional as FUCK) with another girl who is pregnant with his second child. They seem to argue all the time but its so fucked up because..despite all the "arguing" and how much he hates it or hates her, shes the only one with a job. She GIVES him her paychecks. Yes, GIVES HIM her paychecks.
So, anyways..for the past, like, week or so hes been doing Ecstacy everynight. Anyone who does a lot of X knows that continued usage makes you very sad and very depressed. Coming down off of X, sucks. Anyways, hes been on X every night for the past week and apparently its causing him to be a real BITCH. He also does coke on a more than regular basis. He basically uses her paychecks to get coke and sell like, grams of coke and snort out two tenths of a gram for himself. Its absolutely ridiculous. He doesnt MAKE any money. There is a steady flow of income coming in off of the drugs (real good way to make money when youve got a kid on the way, huh?) but he puts it all up his nose so he makes nothing, then she turns around and GIVES him her paychecks, which he then blows, literally.
OK, so, onto my point. I guess theyve been arguing a lot lately. Hes been super paranoid that shes doing coke behind his back which makes NO SENSE. Shes three months pregnant, shes not doing cocaine, lol. I talk to her, shes definitely NOT doing cocaine but hes getting so snorted and tweeked that hes getting paranoid and making shit up.
Today my boyfriend came home from hanging out with this guy and he told me some FUCKED UP shit dude..omg..ok..
He said that last night, this guy (Bob) and his girlfriend (Susie) got into an arguement and Bob decided that he just did NOT want to be with Susie anymore under any circumstances, so, he decided to act in a manner that would insure that she never wanted to be with him again. Bob said he calld a friend to come pick him up to get him away from Susie. When Bobs ride got there, Susie ran outside and jumped in the car before Bob could get in. She was crying, etc. This pissed Bob off so once they got back inside he proceeded to PUT A CIGARETTE OUT ON HER. Then he "kinda made" her have sex with him and called her different womens names multiple times. She told him to stop but he wouldnt stop. I guess earlier in the night Bob and Susie went over to someones house, a girls house and this girl had a friend over there and Bob was hitting on this girl right in front of Susie. My boyfriend said that Bob got a phonecall from some girl bitching him out saying " DONT EVER TRY TO GET WITH MY FRIEND WHILE YOURE BABYS MAMA IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!"
Ok, think about this situation.
This girl, Susie, shes 21 years old. This is her second child (with a different father, of course). Shes in this situation with a man who doesnt work, doesnt make any money by any means, shes working everyday 8 hours a day and giving him the paychecks, shes living with his parents, hes selling drugs and doing them constantly, shes got a child on the way. I dunno. Its really sad to me.
And to top it off, this chick is hot. She could have someone...a lot better. And yet shes in this bullshit situation. I bet she cries everynight before she sleeps.
Anyway I just had to write about that because its total bullshit. I cant believe hes acting that way towards her. Shes pregnant with his child.
God the mindset that modern society is putting into the heads of American youth is SICK. Im not blaming MTV for this kinda bullshit..but think about it...
Young kids growing up listening to nothing but nasty rap talking about fucking all kinda different bitches, disrespecting niggas, selling dope, etc. It subconsiously brainwashes people. This guy listens to bullshit like Lil Wayne, Cash Money..just CRAP that he totally takes seriously. He aspires to be nothing in life but the dope man. How sad.
PS. I am in no way talking shit about drug use. I am an advocate of drug use as long as you dont fuck other peoples lives up because youre way out there on a certain drug. So, in other words..if you ever need anything...hit me up..hehe..well keep it on the low low ;)
So, anyways..for the past, like, week or so hes been doing Ecstacy everynight. Anyone who does a lot of X knows that continued usage makes you very sad and very depressed. Coming down off of X, sucks. Anyways, hes been on X every night for the past week and apparently its causing him to be a real BITCH. He also does coke on a more than regular basis. He basically uses her paychecks to get coke and sell like, grams of coke and snort out two tenths of a gram for himself. Its absolutely ridiculous. He doesnt MAKE any money. There is a steady flow of income coming in off of the drugs (real good way to make money when youve got a kid on the way, huh?) but he puts it all up his nose so he makes nothing, then she turns around and GIVES him her paychecks, which he then blows, literally.
OK, so, onto my point. I guess theyve been arguing a lot lately. Hes been super paranoid that shes doing coke behind his back which makes NO SENSE. Shes three months pregnant, shes not doing cocaine, lol. I talk to her, shes definitely NOT doing cocaine but hes getting so snorted and tweeked that hes getting paranoid and making shit up.
Today my boyfriend came home from hanging out with this guy and he told me some FUCKED UP shit dude..omg..ok..
He said that last night, this guy (Bob) and his girlfriend (Susie) got into an arguement and Bob decided that he just did NOT want to be with Susie anymore under any circumstances, so, he decided to act in a manner that would insure that she never wanted to be with him again. Bob said he calld a friend to come pick him up to get him away from Susie. When Bobs ride got there, Susie ran outside and jumped in the car before Bob could get in. She was crying, etc. This pissed Bob off so once they got back inside he proceeded to PUT A CIGARETTE OUT ON HER. Then he "kinda made" her have sex with him and called her different womens names multiple times. She told him to stop but he wouldnt stop. I guess earlier in the night Bob and Susie went over to someones house, a girls house and this girl had a friend over there and Bob was hitting on this girl right in front of Susie. My boyfriend said that Bob got a phonecall from some girl bitching him out saying " DONT EVER TRY TO GET WITH MY FRIEND WHILE YOURE BABYS MAMA IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!"
Ok, think about this situation.
This girl, Susie, shes 21 years old. This is her second child (with a different father, of course). Shes in this situation with a man who doesnt work, doesnt make any money by any means, shes working everyday 8 hours a day and giving him the paychecks, shes living with his parents, hes selling drugs and doing them constantly, shes got a child on the way. I dunno. Its really sad to me.
And to top it off, this chick is hot. She could have someone...a lot better. And yet shes in this bullshit situation. I bet she cries everynight before she sleeps.
Anyway I just had to write about that because its total bullshit. I cant believe hes acting that way towards her. Shes pregnant with his child.
God the mindset that modern society is putting into the heads of American youth is SICK. Im not blaming MTV for this kinda bullshit..but think about it...
Young kids growing up listening to nothing but nasty rap talking about fucking all kinda different bitches, disrespecting niggas, selling dope, etc. It subconsiously brainwashes people. This guy listens to bullshit like Lil Wayne, Cash Money..just CRAP that he totally takes seriously. He aspires to be nothing in life but the dope man. How sad.
PS. I am in no way talking shit about drug use. I am an advocate of drug use as long as you dont fuck other peoples lives up because youre way out there on a certain drug. So, in other words..if you ever need anything...hit me up..hehe..well keep it on the low low ;)
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Seven Months.
Jan. 12th, 2007 | 08:08 am
Its been seven months since I last posted in this journal. That means its been seven months that my boyfriend and I have NOT had a steady drug habit. Seven fucking months. I still get high, I get high a lot, but, its a lot different than getting high every night, dealing with "The Boys", stealing shit from junkie bitches to get money, leaving my boyfriend, god. Seven months since I smoked black tar heroin everynight. Seven months since I spent money I didnt have. Seven months since I worried the hell out of everyone around me (im good at making people worry). Seven months since the only thing I cared about was getting dope and getting high. Seven months since I scared myself shitless and woke up from my "nod."
Isnt it weird?
A month and a half of smoking heroin everynight has made opiates become a part of my life that wont ever go away. Ever. I could never touch another opiate from this moment on and being high would plague the back of my mind. Two years ago, I wouldnt have known black tar heroin from rabbit poo pellets. It boggles my mind how people are on this shit for years. I was on it for a month and a half and my world FLIPPED 8 times, lol.
I look at some of my previous blog entries and I know that I was high when I wrote them, or had gotten high before I wrote them, or was going to get high after I wrote them. God, thats FUCKED up.
Why is it..drugs are everywhere? Is the world such a fucked up twisted place that our youth has to self medicate just to feel normal? Yeah. It is.
Medicate on.
Isnt it weird?
A month and a half of smoking heroin everynight has made opiates become a part of my life that wont ever go away. Ever. I could never touch another opiate from this moment on and being high would plague the back of my mind. Two years ago, I wouldnt have known black tar heroin from rabbit poo pellets. It boggles my mind how people are on this shit for years. I was on it for a month and a half and my world FLIPPED 8 times, lol.
I look at some of my previous blog entries and I know that I was high when I wrote them, or had gotten high before I wrote them, or was going to get high after I wrote them. God, thats FUCKED up.
Why is it..drugs are everywhere? Is the world such a fucked up twisted place that our youth has to self medicate just to feel normal? Yeah. It is.
Medicate on.
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La dee daa.
Jun. 19th, 2006 | 04:20 pm
mood: energetic
music: father of mine - everclear
Im moving. Im moving some of my stuff in tomorrow but for the most part I will be moving on Thursday. Other than that, nothing special has been going on in my life.
As if I didnt know already, the world is full of fake bitches who let other people run their lives. On their death beds, they will be regretful. The worst thing in the world that I can think of, would be laying on your death bed feeling regret for the way you lived your life and the choices you made.
That is the worst punishment I can think of for any human being. To stare death in the face and feel nothing but remorse and regret thinking that you should have lived differently and you had all those chances you passed up..now here you are, looking at the reaper, and you can do nothing.
I am amazed everyday by what I learn. I realize now that God will never make me deal with something that I cannot deal with, and I learn more and more that life is not about situations, it is about how you respond to situations and that at some time I will always have to deal with reality.
I learn the reality of my words everyday. I have always said that as human beings we are ultimately alone. Every human is alone regardless of who they are around. Whether or not we can all face those aspects of ourselves is another thing..but everyone has that aspect.
As if I didnt know already, the world is full of fake bitches who let other people run their lives. On their death beds, they will be regretful. The worst thing in the world that I can think of, would be laying on your death bed feeling regret for the way you lived your life and the choices you made.
That is the worst punishment I can think of for any human being. To stare death in the face and feel nothing but remorse and regret thinking that you should have lived differently and you had all those chances you passed up..now here you are, looking at the reaper, and you can do nothing.
I am amazed everyday by what I learn. I realize now that God will never make me deal with something that I cannot deal with, and I learn more and more that life is not about situations, it is about how you respond to situations and that at some time I will always have to deal with reality.
I learn the reality of my words everyday. I have always said that as human beings we are ultimately alone. Every human is alone regardless of who they are around. Whether or not we can all face those aspects of ourselves is another thing..but everyone has that aspect.
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Dirty fingernails, bad hygeine
Apr. 6th, 2006 | 07:47 am
I am so glad that I do NOT have to work today. I haven't even slept yet, its damn near 8AM. I shouldnt even sleep.
It's like, when I try to live a normal life...you know, focusing on the job, trying to save money to get shit straight, trying to get into a routine of things..thats when my life sucks the most. It seems like life is so much more simple if I just take things as they come and don't expect anything. Everytime I lay down..im looking at the clock, planning out times for my alarm to ring every 30 minutes so that I don't oversleep, well, that doesn't work. Worrying about when hes going to be home because I KNOW that once hes here I won't get a chance to sleep at all..that doesn't work either. I need to go to sleep when im tired, wake up when I wake up, and don't expect anything out of anyone. Just accept my position in life and go with it. Thats when things are the most simple.
Life doesnt just work out the way everyone wants it to or plans it to. Plans are for people with money. Rich men go to college, poor men go to work, thats the way life is.
I just want to get my room cleaned and my general area feeling clean and renewed. I feel cooped up. I need something new or else I am seriously going to go insane. I may go to the Salvation Army to furniture shop. I need a couch or a loveseat to put in my room...I need a new rug, I need to get rid of some of this clutter, throw away things when im finished with them instead of leaving them around, I need to DUST!! Dusting is essential. My allergies the past few weeks have went from non existant...to asthma. I looked around my room and everything is dusty, and im wondering wtf I cant breathe? I need to stop being a pack rat, throw things away. I wont need most of this shit later. I need to do laundry once a week, our clothes basket is filling up too high, its making me angry, the electrical chords showing on the floor are making me angry, the dust on the entertainment center, the fact that the DVDs, games, and tapes arent neatly organized, the playstation and the DVD player and the VCR arent dusted, there are water bottles sitting on the top of my computer desk, I dont have a place for my bangles so they just sit around getting on my nerves, theres TOO much drug paraphanalia in my room, I need to find a safe place for it all. I need to start throwing away papers like, envelopes and random sheets of paper that I have doodled on, that shit just shreds up and makes a mess, I need to straighten the blinds, it makes me nervous that someone could see through them, I need to wash the sheets and make the bed look presentable. I sleep better when the sheets are clean and the bed is made. I need to start going to sleep at NIGHT instead of in the morning. Sleeping all day is making me stir crazy (in case you cant tell.) I have 5 posters of Hindu Gods that either need to be hung up, or thrown away, I have a Jimi Hendrix poster that needs to be hung up, or thrown away. Whatever I may think, I DONT need to save all the napkins from fast food restaurants, we have paper towels, I WONT NEED THE NAPKINS LATER. I need to pick up all the FUCKING SOCKS IN HERE AND WASH THEM!
Ok. Whew. Now I can look at this list as I clean my room.
As soon as I wake up.
It's like, when I try to live a normal life...you know, focusing on the job, trying to save money to get shit straight, trying to get into a routine of things..thats when my life sucks the most. It seems like life is so much more simple if I just take things as they come and don't expect anything. Everytime I lay down..im looking at the clock, planning out times for my alarm to ring every 30 minutes so that I don't oversleep, well, that doesn't work. Worrying about when hes going to be home because I KNOW that once hes here I won't get a chance to sleep at all..that doesn't work either. I need to go to sleep when im tired, wake up when I wake up, and don't expect anything out of anyone. Just accept my position in life and go with it. Thats when things are the most simple.
Life doesnt just work out the way everyone wants it to or plans it to. Plans are for people with money. Rich men go to college, poor men go to work, thats the way life is.
I just want to get my room cleaned and my general area feeling clean and renewed. I feel cooped up. I need something new or else I am seriously going to go insane. I may go to the Salvation Army to furniture shop. I need a couch or a loveseat to put in my room...I need a new rug, I need to get rid of some of this clutter, throw away things when im finished with them instead of leaving them around, I need to DUST!! Dusting is essential. My allergies the past few weeks have went from non existant...to asthma. I looked around my room and everything is dusty, and im wondering wtf I cant breathe? I need to stop being a pack rat, throw things away. I wont need most of this shit later. I need to do laundry once a week, our clothes basket is filling up too high, its making me angry, the electrical chords showing on the floor are making me angry, the dust on the entertainment center, the fact that the DVDs, games, and tapes arent neatly organized, the playstation and the DVD player and the VCR arent dusted, there are water bottles sitting on the top of my computer desk, I dont have a place for my bangles so they just sit around getting on my nerves, theres TOO much drug paraphanalia in my room, I need to find a safe place for it all. I need to start throwing away papers like, envelopes and random sheets of paper that I have doodled on, that shit just shreds up and makes a mess, I need to straighten the blinds, it makes me nervous that someone could see through them, I need to wash the sheets and make the bed look presentable. I sleep better when the sheets are clean and the bed is made. I need to start going to sleep at NIGHT instead of in the morning. Sleeping all day is making me stir crazy (in case you cant tell.) I have 5 posters of Hindu Gods that either need to be hung up, or thrown away, I have a Jimi Hendrix poster that needs to be hung up, or thrown away. Whatever I may think, I DONT need to save all the napkins from fast food restaurants, we have paper towels, I WONT NEED THE NAPKINS LATER. I need to pick up all the FUCKING SOCKS IN HERE AND WASH THEM!
Ok. Whew. Now I can look at this list as I clean my room.
As soon as I wake up.
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squiggle wiggle
Mar. 23rd, 2006 | 06:59 am
mood: giddy
music: spongebob
I had a pretty good night last night. We went to the park, as usual. Then we came home and watched movies together <33 It felt good, even though he talked through both movies almost entirely. I wanted to repremand him for it...but I could just kinda laugh.
The hottest thing happened last night too. It could have been because I was really stoned..I dont know. Anyway, he had the hiccups so he decided to eat a spoon full of sugar(its an old home remedy that spoon fulls of sugar will get rid of the hiccups) so we went into the kitchen. I refilled the ice in my glass while he ate a spoonfull of sugar. Before we left the kitchen we started to kiss each other and his lips still had some sugar on them, so they tasted sweet. I told him how sweet they were and he asked me if I liked it, I said yeah they taste good! So we went back into our room and made out for a while. HAH!!
I swear im NOT in the 7th grade, but sometimes just making out together feels really good. Its kind of refreshing, I dunno.
Anyyyy way. Its 7AM, Spongebob is on..and my bed is calling my name.
Yeah, im still up. - . -
The hottest thing happened last night too. It could have been because I was really stoned..I dont know. Anyway, he had the hiccups so he decided to eat a spoon full of sugar(its an old home remedy that spoon fulls of sugar will get rid of the hiccups) so we went into the kitchen. I refilled the ice in my glass while he ate a spoonfull of sugar. Before we left the kitchen we started to kiss each other and his lips still had some sugar on them, so they tasted sweet. I told him how sweet they were and he asked me if I liked it, I said yeah they taste good! So we went back into our room and made out for a while. HAH!!
I swear im NOT in the 7th grade, but sometimes just making out together feels really good. Its kind of refreshing, I dunno.
Anyyyy way. Its 7AM, Spongebob is on..and my bed is calling my name.
Yeah, im still up. - . -
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unspoken
Mar. 21st, 2006 | 02:27 am
mood: ecstatic
::This is going to be mushy. Dont like it? Dont read it.::
I've never loved like this in my life. There have been a lot of times that I thought we wouldnt make it through, but we have, and we will. I honestly didnt know that I was capable of loving someone as much as I love this man. I never thought I would be so sure of someone in my life. He is the ONLY person that I can say, without a doubt, he fucking loves me just as much as I love him. That is unquestionable for me. And, it feels damn good.
There probably isnt a day that goes by that I dont thank God for bringing us together. And God is the only one to thank because only God could put something this beautiful into my life.
It occured to us both today that we need each other, because we love each other. Our love for one another has always been this unspoken thing, and tonight..it came out for the first time in a very long time. I never thought that I would see someone cry when they talked about how much they love me, I never thought that I would cry when I talked about how much I loved someone.
A lot of girls wouldnt do the things I do for him. I make sure he has clean clothes on his back, food in his tummy, and if he needs it..gas in his car. I treat this man like he is a king because he deserves it. He really deserves it. I would do anything for him, anything to make him happy. Seeing him happy makes me feel so good inside, sooo good. And to know that I am what is making me happy is just..100 times better. He is my king. We have gone through some bad times but that is coming to an end and being happy with him and happy in our relationship really makes me understand life. It makes me understand what other people have felt and in the past I've laughed but now I understand.
There is no greater feeling than having him curl up next to me in bed, almost in submission..like he is trusting himself with me, breathing down my neck, sleeping like a small child and knowing that he needs me next to him just as much as I need him next to me and realizing that we are in this together.
I've never loved like this in my life. There have been a lot of times that I thought we wouldnt make it through, but we have, and we will. I honestly didnt know that I was capable of loving someone as much as I love this man. I never thought I would be so sure of someone in my life. He is the ONLY person that I can say, without a doubt, he fucking loves me just as much as I love him. That is unquestionable for me. And, it feels damn good.
There probably isnt a day that goes by that I dont thank God for bringing us together. And God is the only one to thank because only God could put something this beautiful into my life.
It occured to us both today that we need each other, because we love each other. Our love for one another has always been this unspoken thing, and tonight..it came out for the first time in a very long time. I never thought that I would see someone cry when they talked about how much they love me, I never thought that I would cry when I talked about how much I loved someone.
A lot of girls wouldnt do the things I do for him. I make sure he has clean clothes on his back, food in his tummy, and if he needs it..gas in his car. I treat this man like he is a king because he deserves it. He really deserves it. I would do anything for him, anything to make him happy. Seeing him happy makes me feel so good inside, sooo good. And to know that I am what is making me happy is just..100 times better. He is my king. We have gone through some bad times but that is coming to an end and being happy with him and happy in our relationship really makes me understand life. It makes me understand what other people have felt and in the past I've laughed but now I understand.
There is no greater feeling than having him curl up next to me in bed, almost in submission..like he is trusting himself with me, breathing down my neck, sleeping like a small child and knowing that he needs me next to him just as much as I need him next to me and realizing that we are in this together.
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Hrm
Mar. 18th, 2006 | 01:09 pm
mood: chipper
music: Everclear - Local God
I dont think I will be disclosing anymore details about my personal life to anyone I know. My cousin told me last night that she had thought about telling me mom something that I disclosed to her in confidentiality. This doesnt make me very happy and has pretty much made me decide that I wont be telling much about what goes on in my life to anyone anymore. Which sucks, because, thats generally the topic of discussions. Whats going on in peoples lives.
I tell people things because I want to. Not because I want them to run out and tell other people, or even THINK about telling other people. Especially my mom. I believe I deserve the right to live a life seperate from my mother, regardless of what that life includes. I dont think I should have to filter my actions, or even restrict myself because I am afraid that people I have given trusted information to are going to tell someone. Oh well. Some decisions that people make are so hard for others to understand. Its not that it really makes me angry and mad!! LoL. I dont really get angry and mad. Especially about stuff like that. Grant it, it doesnt make me happy at all and it makes me question who I can and cant trust with information..but its nothing to create drama about. Especially not with her. Maybe with someone who I really didnt give a f about...but then again I probably wouldnt be telling those people details about my life.
On another note, I had a pretty fun night last night. My stomach started hurting though and I had the shits. I mean, its been a WHILE since I've had the shits. I used to get them everytime I blinked..now its just everytime I yawn.
But, I got them last night. Theyve carried on into today too. Yeck.
I even went to sleep last night at like 8..and woke up around 11..came home at three and slept until 9:30AM. That is an abnormally long time for me to sleep. It still wasnt CONSECUTIVE sleep, but I did sleep when it was dark outside. Which is really rare for me. Im going to try and get my sleeping habits back on track..somewhat at least.
Anyway..im going to go watch TV.
I tell people things because I want to. Not because I want them to run out and tell other people, or even THINK about telling other people. Especially my mom. I believe I deserve the right to live a life seperate from my mother, regardless of what that life includes. I dont think I should have to filter my actions, or even restrict myself because I am afraid that people I have given trusted information to are going to tell someone. Oh well. Some decisions that people make are so hard for others to understand. Its not that it really makes me angry and mad!! LoL. I dont really get angry and mad. Especially about stuff like that. Grant it, it doesnt make me happy at all and it makes me question who I can and cant trust with information..but its nothing to create drama about. Especially not with her. Maybe with someone who I really didnt give a f about...but then again I probably wouldnt be telling those people details about my life.
On another note, I had a pretty fun night last night. My stomach started hurting though and I had the shits. I mean, its been a WHILE since I've had the shits. I used to get them everytime I blinked..now its just everytime I yawn.
But, I got them last night. Theyve carried on into today too. Yeck.
I even went to sleep last night at like 8..and woke up around 11..came home at three and slept until 9:30AM. That is an abnormally long time for me to sleep. It still wasnt CONSECUTIVE sleep, but I did sleep when it was dark outside. Which is really rare for me. Im going to try and get my sleeping habits back on track..somewhat at least.
Anyway..im going to go watch TV.
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Sky is the limit
Mar. 17th, 2006 | 06:12 pm
mood: calm
music: buju banton - siren
Its been a while since I've posted any pictures. So I figured I would post a couple. ^_^
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Nicktoons!
Mar. 17th, 2006 | 05:27 am
Ok. So its 5:30AM and here I am wide awake. With a headache. A bad one. I slept for a few hours last night while my boyfriend watched movies, which could be why I am up now. Rugrats just came on. This show owns.
Anyway, so in my late night (or early morning) ramblings, something good has happened. My cable modem finally decided to work! The speed is soooooooooo nice. Ill be up for hours now!
peace!
Anyway, so in my late night (or early morning) ramblings, something good has happened. My cable modem finally decided to work! The speed is soooooooooo nice. Ill be up for hours now!
peace!
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Its easy to tie your shoes
Mar. 16th, 2006 | 04:11 pm
I changed the way my journal looks a little bit. I thought about maybe getting a website, but then I remembered how I never have any content in them other than my journal. So, blah on that.
Surprise, I havent been very busy the last couple of days. Just doing the usual. I am really kind of settling in with being around someone 24/7. I mean, he and I spent A LOT of time together before..but now..its almost like we are married. We make decsions together, we go places together, buy things together, we have a routine. I never liked routines before...but now its not bad at all.
He gets home from work and we usually go to the skate park for a few hours, hang out there with people. Then we come home, I either cook or we go out to eat, we read peoples myspaces and laugh at them, smoke weed, watch tv..just hang out, together, all the time. I always have somone to talk to. But the perks are..I always have someone to sleep next to at night. Its great. We are getting along really good now, I mean other that general arguements that couples get into.
I dunno, I really like it. Its really given me a sense of home and belonging.
His dog had to be put to sleep the other night. Hes had him since he was about 9 or 10 so the dog was really old, but he was also an established part of the family. He had been sick for a while with congestive heart failure and he had just gotten too sick. I dont think I've seen a man so genuinely hurt and broken hearted. I dunno, theyve never really dealt with loss in their family. Whereas, I have been raised with loss. My whole life people in my family have been dying. Not to say that I am immune to death, but the first real loss of a family (even if it is a pet) is really hard.
RIP
Sundance
Surprise, I havent been very busy the last couple of days. Just doing the usual. I am really kind of settling in with being around someone 24/7. I mean, he and I spent A LOT of time together before..but now..its almost like we are married. We make decsions together, we go places together, buy things together, we have a routine. I never liked routines before...but now its not bad at all.
He gets home from work and we usually go to the skate park for a few hours, hang out there with people. Then we come home, I either cook or we go out to eat, we read peoples myspaces and laugh at them, smoke weed, watch tv..just hang out, together, all the time. I always have somone to talk to. But the perks are..I always have someone to sleep next to at night. Its great. We are getting along really good now, I mean other that general arguements that couples get into.
I dunno, I really like it. Its really given me a sense of home and belonging.
His dog had to be put to sleep the other night. Hes had him since he was about 9 or 10 so the dog was really old, but he was also an established part of the family. He had been sick for a while with congestive heart failure and he had just gotten too sick. I dont think I've seen a man so genuinely hurt and broken hearted. I dunno, theyve never really dealt with loss in their family. Whereas, I have been raised with loss. My whole life people in my family have been dying. Not to say that I am immune to death, but the first real loss of a family (even if it is a pet) is really hard.
RIP
Sundance
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Dont hate.
Mar. 13th, 2006 | 10:13 pm
mood: loved
music: None. Watching "Flavor of Love."
The more days pass, the more I realize about myself and the people around me. Im realizing that the people I need around me, arent the ones I always thought I needed. Its kind of weird for me to say that there are some people in my life that I just EXPECT to be happy for me. I shouldnt ever expect anything out of anyone, thats always a mistake.
When something good happens to me, I guess that, because I am happy, and given how rare of a thing it is for me to be happy, I automatically think that other people should be happy for me too. Thats just not the case. I realize that when I am happy, people are going to be haters. That is just human nature. Even if they are people you think should be happy that youve found happiness.
I am not a bragger, im not a boaster. But, I have held a relationship with someone for nearly two years now. We have had some really shitty times...and finally thats over. Regardless of the bad times, we have came through. Thats dedication. You dont stay with someone through the hard times if they arent worth it. You dont stay with someone through the shitty times unless you are devoted and dedicated to that person. I am thankful for the rocks and hard places I have had in my relationship because now that those times are over, I understand that our relationship is stronger. I also realize that having those crappy times only makes you realize that there have been a lot of times that the person you are with could have, and should have walked out on you. But, they didnt. And that tells you that they love you. They have love for you.
Ive made this work for nearly two years. I see it working for a lot longer. Holding up a relationship, waking up to the same person everyday and being completely commited, utterly devoted, and in love with this person throughout everything, makes some people jealous that they cant have the same thing in their lives.
^_^
When something good happens to me, I guess that, because I am happy, and given how rare of a thing it is for me to be happy, I automatically think that other people should be happy for me too. Thats just not the case. I realize that when I am happy, people are going to be haters. That is just human nature. Even if they are people you think should be happy that youve found happiness.
I am not a bragger, im not a boaster. But, I have held a relationship with someone for nearly two years now. We have had some really shitty times...and finally thats over. Regardless of the bad times, we have came through. Thats dedication. You dont stay with someone through the hard times if they arent worth it. You dont stay with someone through the shitty times unless you are devoted and dedicated to that person. I am thankful for the rocks and hard places I have had in my relationship because now that those times are over, I understand that our relationship is stronger. I also realize that having those crappy times only makes you realize that there have been a lot of times that the person you are with could have, and should have walked out on you. But, they didnt. And that tells you that they love you. They have love for you.
Ive made this work for nearly two years. I see it working for a lot longer. Holding up a relationship, waking up to the same person everyday and being completely commited, utterly devoted, and in love with this person throughout everything, makes some people jealous that they cant have the same thing in their lives.
^_^
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Soul one
Mar. 12th, 2006 | 03:59 am
Have you ever made love with someone, and had it last so long that neither of you could physically go on any longer? So you just collapse on top of one another, him still inside of you, sweat, bodily fluids and all? And then in one moment, before you drift off to sleep, everything in your life seems to make sense, everything comes together, and everything seems worth it. Then you fall asleep, and you sleep better than you have ever slept, despite not having bathed, being sticky, naked, vulnerable and exposed. But, none of that matters because during that last moment before you sleep, only you and your lover matter in this world.
That is a moment where I felt true beauty. Beauty that only God can surpass. It is a surreal and supernatural feeling when two people become one, completely, for the first time ever.
I see the world for what it is. I dont search for beauty where I know beauty isnt present. There arent many moments in life where pure, untouched beauty shines through all the muck that makes up this physical and spiritual universe.
In rare moments like these, I find solace. I dont feel so alone in the world, I dont ask questions, I dont seek answers. I breathe and I live in that very moment as it is happening. I am not thinking of what happened yesterday, or what may come tomorrow. My mind is there, in that moment and it is completely basking in it, inhaling everything that it is.
It almost seems too much and too exhilerating for a single soul to handle. But there you are. Experiencing for yourself, what everyone seems to want and long for.
Thats all.
That is a moment where I felt true beauty. Beauty that only God can surpass. It is a surreal and supernatural feeling when two people become one, completely, for the first time ever.
I see the world for what it is. I dont search for beauty where I know beauty isnt present. There arent many moments in life where pure, untouched beauty shines through all the muck that makes up this physical and spiritual universe.
In rare moments like these, I find solace. I dont feel so alone in the world, I dont ask questions, I dont seek answers. I breathe and I live in that very moment as it is happening. I am not thinking of what happened yesterday, or what may come tomorrow. My mind is there, in that moment and it is completely basking in it, inhaling everything that it is.
It almost seems too much and too exhilerating for a single soul to handle. But there you are. Experiencing for yourself, what everyone seems to want and long for.
Thats all.
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Mouth full of cavities
Mar. 10th, 2006 | 06:43 am
music: Blind Melon - Mouth full of Cavities
One day everything is going to die. Everything in this world is going to cease to exist. Once, there was another world that existed before ours, and that world no longer exists. Just like ours will one day no longer exist.
My reality doesnt exist to you. Yours doesnt exist to me. What is real to me is nothing to you and what is real to you is nothing to me. Existance really is everything and nothing. Everyone lives and leads seperate lives and although some of us are intertwined, we arent really intertwined at all, we are totally seperate beings living totally seperate lives. So, what are friends? Someone who shares your life with you? Not really. What is a lover? Someone who shares your life with you? No.
Although I always know in the back of my mind that we are ultimately alone, sometimes I have these epiphanies, or I am somehow reminded that I am alone, and so is everyone else in this world. Which makes me feel not so alone, you know?
Everyone is fighting a fight against themselves. Our own soul is our own ultimate enemy. I dont know. Im thinking too hard again.
Cuz one of these days this will die.
So will me and so will you.
I wrote a letter to a friend of mine, and tell him how I used to love to watch him smile.
See, I havent seen him smile in a little while.