And then there was me....

I just saw on CNN that the military has a new ray gun. Its non lethal. damn. Ive totally go nothing to write about right now..but im bored...
I woke up around 9AM this morning, went to bed pretty early. I like going to bed early but not at like..8PM, which is what ive been doing. At least im getting my work done better. Im so tempted to go back to sleep though,,,but I can guarentee the minute I fall asleep..my boyfriend will be up bitching that im asleep EVEN THOUGH I bought him cigarettes, and a sub sandwhich this morning. 

Im so excited about moving..the days dont go fast enough.

No one wants to hear about my design ideas, everytime i talk to someone about it, they ignore me! Can you imagine? So..ill start writing about them here.

I asked booger about design ideas for my bathroom. The bathroom is kinda..blah. I mean its super boring. Its almost EXACTLY like mine now (in design), except bigger and theres a closet..oooo..closet...anyway...the tile is beige, the floor is beige, everything is beige, booger said that she thinks red will go good, red or maroon. I also think red or maroon will do good. Right now my bathroom is done in black, black towels,  black shower curtain, etc..so..
Im going to keep the black, but add the red. So it will  be red, black and creme. My shower curtain is black, im going to get rid of the liner I have now and get a sheer red/maroon liner to go over the black curtain, im going to add a few red towels, couple of red washrags, and a red rug. Thats my plans for the bathroom..im going over to the house tonight to take pics of the ultra drab bathroom and kitchen.

Now, for the kitchen..which is also pretty blah...
The kitchen is the part of the house thats gonna take the most work...by work I mean the cabinets need to be cleaned, the tile needs to be wiped, it needs a new fridge, new stove and all that. The realtor said that theyd supply new appliaces when I moved in so..thats cool. The counter tops are like..gray..so ugly...so..im going to resurface it with contact paper. (preferably something like this http://housewares.hardwarestore.com/37-188-contact-papers/blue-check-contact-paper-105261.aspx) and decorate it with classic 1950s style signs and stuff.

the end im going to nap

So...
I read every one of my previous journal entries. Ive had this thing for a year..almost exactly one year. Reading back, I revisited the depth of depression that I felt at the beginning through the middle of last year. Thinking about it, I cant fathom living life as sad as I was. I know that I was horribly depressed. So much so that I questioned my existance, I questioned my life and my true position in this world. But, why was I so unhappy? I cant even remember, but it made a damn good writer out of me!

Everything in my life was bad then. I was living with my mother, whom despite me loving dearly, I felt I was a burden on her. 
I didnt have a good job, I had the same job I have now but I made A LOT less money. 
My relationship was shit. I felt like I wasnt in love with him. I just didnt know what to do with my life. Thinking back on it, not THAT much was wrong, but my mental state was so ravaged and raw. I spent so much time just wanting <b>out</b>. 

Do you know what its like to want out?

Its like being in the lions den. Just a matter of time before you are ripped limb from limb and chewed until youre just a mass of big nothing. A huge mass of nothing. Thats how I felt. I felt like I was a huge mass of nothing. If you can imagine how that feels, then you should know true mental anguish.

Maybe there were a lot of unclosed doors in my life. Maybe I was still hurting over my dad. But, I am still hurting over my dad. I will always hurt over him, I think.

Now, I live on my own. I am still with my boyfriend and things have changed between us...theyve changed SO FUCKING MUCH. I believe that the pain I felt wasnt nessacerily pain that he inflicted upon me, but pain that he reeked of, pain that seeped from every pore of his being and I was there to lap it all up, in my constant trying to make him happy when he couldnt be made happy, it made me completely and totally miserable.
Now things have changed so much its crazy. I have slowly taken control of this relationship and we are attached at the hip. I couldnt possibly love someone more than I love him, and I couldnt be any more sure that he loves me. I have went from resenting his presence, to reveling in it and not ever wanting to be around anyone but him..even though he gets on my nerves a little..heh. :) 

Life for me has gotten to a point of, at least, stability. Mental stability. I wont say complete happiness...I dont know if complete happiness is even possible...
All I ever asked for was to be content. That, I am. 

Thank you, God.